The Behemoth.

Over the past few months I have done a bit of soul searching. I have come to recognize and relish the simple pleasures in life; a cold diet pepsi, a walk in the crisp autumn air, clean sheets, writing letters, time with family and friends, ballet class, and especially, if not most importantly, eating a wedge of a 15 lb cake.

No, I'm not lying. This thing was MASSIVE. And took a massive amount of patience to bake. Holy Dina, need two hands to count how many times I was sure this thing was down the freaking drain.... and I mean that literally and figuratively.

The cause for this cake was definitely an effort to outdo my Butterscotch Pecan Cake (see Operation, Feed the Missionaries). On paper, it has all the bells and whistles to be a fine competitor. 6 layers, shaved cakes brushed with simple syrup, coconut and heavy cream filling, cream cheese icing.... the works. It's made with 10'' rounds, which boasts size that far surpasses most cakes.

Shiny New 10'' rounds on their Maiden Voyage

And so began my ambitious undertaking. Others who had tried only met failure not once, but multiple times. But alas, this did not deter ME. I am Cakerella, fearless baker extraordinare!... or so I thought.

We begin with the cakes. Easy enough. Flour, sugar, butter, eggs.... Protip: the secret to super fluffy cakes full of wonderful airy pockety-ness (yes, pockety-ness) is to cream your sugar and butter together until it's WHITE and fluffy. Very white and fluffy. Like snow. Don't add eggs till you see snow.

Mixture of cream, vanilla, and coconut extracts! No... there's no Fresca in there even though it made the shot.

I was tempted to leave the cake in batter form. It was SO yummy!

I could tell on paper this cake was going to be good, even if it turned into a trifle (aka: failed cake salvage operation). How? By the cup and a half of heavy cream going into the batter silly goose! Cream is like milk, only buttery. Remember the first rule? Butta makes it betta.

.... I promise to never use that phrase again. But it IS true.

This cake has taught me to trust my oven and the recommended baking times, on Martha Stewart anyways. That lady knows her shiz. Unlike me, try NOT to check your cake or pierce it too many times. This causes your cake to sink a bit... making it a bit difficult to frost and, in this case, shave.

Next came the filling. That slopped mess in the pot? That would be sugar, butter and (ta da! It's a pattern see?) cream. Protip: Use a BIG saucepan, or a deeper pot. There were some casualties along the way today... mainly about a half a cup of boiling filling and a few fingers.

This was technically all I could do, because the cakes had to cool and the filling had to chill before I could do anything about assembly. This was a BLESSING. By this point I was having a wee melt down and definitely needed a break.

At least the cake looked pretty.

After some spiritual upliftment and a delicious supper with my sisters and mom, it was back to the old grind. At around 11:30. Hoo-boy. I threw the chilled filling into the good ol' Kitchenaid and let it fly for about 4 minutes.The mixture went from yellow custard to white coconutty cloud right before my eyes! Magic. Magic in the kitchen I say. Then I made some simple syrup.... this was the silence before the storm.                                                                                                                                                                            

                                                                                                                          

                                                                                                                



 


Step eleventy billion: Shave the tops off your cakes. Then cut it into three uniform layers.                      

                                                          **Keels over, dead-ed**                                                                    

                                                                                                                                                                      

Say wha? It's hard enough dividing a cake evenly in HALF, let alone into three... ESPECIALLY when your pans are only 2'' high to begin with, not to mention the 1/8 inch or so you shave off per side when you remove the tops. Frick.

I had my sister pick up the drooping sides of the slices while I supported the top and bottom with a pancake flipper. But, can't you just rest it on top? Of course not! You have to flip it over because that's the side you brushed with syrup.... and you still have to brush the other! Martha you evil evil spawn.

Much, much brainpower went into this.

Brushing on the syrup with, yes, a PASTRY BRUSH. I'm pulling out the big guns.

Then you spread on 2 cups of filling!... Rinse and repeat until you get...

.... something that looks like this.

It was an impressive sight to behold, save the messy edges. NO MATTER! Let's slather it in two batches of cream cheese ici...... crap. One bar of cream cheese. *Ahem* Let's slather it in a batch of cream cheese icing! I'm not a fan of rationing, especially not cream cheese icing (henceforth known as CCI)

This is what happens with single batches of CCI. Unimpressed. Protip: Never, EVER make single batches. EVER.

I figured that the lack of icing would be okay for presentation, due to the toasted coconut I would be coating the edges with. So I put the bulk of it on top of the cake.

Toasty coconut is toasty :) And a great disguise for a messy frost. Chopped nuts or shaved chocolate are both delicious alternatives.

After the coconutting and the icing, it was back to the fridge to chill overnight. Sunday was long and lazy, with supper starting around 6. After traditional delicious roast dinner, we cleared the plates and everyone gathered round for the great unveiling! After the tinfoil was ripped away (it was too big to put the glass dome cover on), everyone oo'd and ahhh'd and took turns trying to hoist the hefty cake. Heavy cream is heavy.

Cake, minus Dad's slice.

The first slice went to Dad, then Mom, then Scott and Melissa and then me last, being a gracious host and all. I was scared for everyone to try it, especially Melissa. She is a huge fan of the Butterscotch cake, and I was worried about the lack of icing. Let me tell you all, I am now a firm believer in "Silence is Golden". Everyone took a bite, eyes widened, and they proceeded to mow down like the cake was going out of style. Success. Sweet, sugary success.

A few additional pictures of the cake!

The cake was exquisitely moist, thank you syrup.

                                          As you can see, we hardly made a dent in this cake... especially considering there were five of us eating. Where is it now? Neatly sectioned and stored in the freezer. Frozen cake... mmmmm.....

How's THIS for presentation????

So. I had a realization a little over a week ago. It went a little something like this, "Annie, GET CONTROL. You don't need cake with breakfast lunch and supper." This thought came to me after I ripped my skirt off after church because it was so uncomfortable to be in. Ahhh crap, I just said that over the whole internet. Awesome. Anyway. I did a week of South Beach Phase 1, and I'm feeling much better and comfortable in my clothes again.

It was my dad's birthday!!.... Like a month ago. We kept putting it off because HE was out of town then WE were out of town or my MOM was out of town... I finally said ENOUGH! We are having this freaking birthday party. My dad requested one of my momma's classics... Carrot Cake. 

It's been a trend in my life to shoulder burdens that don't originally belong to me, especially this last week or two. So adopting the task of baking my dad's birthday cake was, indeed, icing on the cake. I'm so punny. Oh gosh. Annie, stop. 

Icing... on the CAKE!! Get it??

I decided I should do something a little special with this next cake... something out of the ordinary. Something to up the anti. Prove myself as a formidable force in the pastry world. I had an idea, screwed it up by sheer retardedness, but then managed to salvage and make it even better than before. Curious? You should be. Observe.

You can never have too much icing. EVER.

Too many carrot cakes are iced with crappy baby carrots lining the edges. Why oh why does no one go for the shock value???

Yeah, that's a giant carrot growing out of the cake.  Your eyes do not lie.

As quirky and adorable as it looked on its own... It WAS a birthday cake, and a joint birthday cake at that. It had to be decorated as such.

It was a lovely birthday celebration. We had a beautiful supper of honeyed ham, sweet potatoes, scalloped potatoes, salad, and veggies. It was accompanied by great company and great conversation. Then it was time to cut the cake and crack the diet pepsi... evidently the best part of the night. My grandma said it was the "best birthday she could remember". Which in my opinion means it's the best ever. What good are birthdays you can't remember right??

Happy Happy Birthing Day you two :)

I didn't break my diet, I shattered it into a thousand pieces. With a sledgehammer. A sledgehammer made out of cake. Carrot cake, beeyotches!! 

No dang way I'm squealing on this recipe. If you want this in your mouth, you'll have to ask REEEAAAALL nice-like. Trust me, it's worth groveling for.

Celiacs Rejoice.

During my baking escapades, I hadn't done really anything with chocolate. Sure, red velvet is technically a chocolate cake due to the cocoa... but I'm talking real live baking chocolate people. The kind you put in a double broiler and fold into your batter. The kind that makes things rich, fudgey, and just oozing witch cocoa butter goodness. The kind that you NEVER have on hand just sitting in your cupboard.

This kind. Yep. 

So I scurried along to Bulk Barn and stocked up. And what's better chocolate than 100% Callebaut?! Oh right, nothing. While I was there I also picked up TONS of gel food dye. **COUGH** Foreshadowing **COUGH**

Now I had all this chocolate in my possession.... two and a half pounds of bittersweet and a pound and a half of milk. What do I do with it now? As I was wondering, an opportunity presented itself. This opportunity also came with a barrier: Gluten Free Dessert. Dun dun duuuuunnnnn......

Never fear, William's Sonoma is here!! After I scoured the internet for the best flourless chocolate cake ever!... (Yes, I really wrote that in the search engine)... I decided that perhaps I should go to the culinary experts. After all, they did slam me with the perfect bread pudding recipe. So off I went on this baking adventure. 

As with all great recipes, you start with butter. LOTS of butter. Oh, and chocolate.

How about a little bit of cocoa?? Not just cocoa, CALLEBAUT cocoa. Whole nine yards people.

We use this to dust the cake pans.... tastes and LOOKS much better than flour. Especially on chocolatey things.

Some of the best eggs use the stiff peak egg white method. I once mistook these for whipped cream.... what a dark day.

Folding is a special technique.... very tiring. It sucks.

Into the oven!

Oh dang.

Cover em up for the night!... don't worry they will be back.

Awww :( they fell!!... JOKES it's on purpose. I've actually never had a cake fall **knock on wood**

Now THAT'S a clean break.

How cute, my cake is embossed.

Just a little powdered sugar and voila!

And some strawberries. So pretty.

Be still my heart.

And that's all she wrote.

If you would like to endeavor this for yourself, please find the recipe below. But I warn you.... once you start you just can't stop. Just look at the empty cake pans above.

Ingredients:

• Unsweetened cocoa powder for dusting
• 15 oz. bittersweet chocolate, finely chopped
• 18 Tbs. (2 1⁄4 sticks) unsalted butter,
   cut into small pieces
• 7 egg yolks
• 9 Tbs. granulated sugar
• 1 1⁄2 Tbs. artificial rum extract
• 1 1⁄2 tsp. vanilla extract
• Pinch of salt
• 5 egg whites, at room temperature
• Strawberries, for garnish
• Confectioners' sugar for dusting

Directions:

Preheat an oven to 300ºF. Grease a heart cake pan and dust with cocoa powder.

In the top pan of a double boiler, combine the chocolate and butter. Set the top pan over but not touching barely simmering water in the bottom pan and melt, then whisk until well blended. Set aside to cool slightly.

In a large bowl, using an electric mixer fitted with the whisk attachment, beat together the egg yolks, 6 Tbs. of the granulated sugar, the dark rum, vanilla and salt on medium-high speed until pale and very thick, 3 to 5 minutes. Gradually pour in the chocolate mixture and continue beating until well blended.

In a deep, clean bowl, using a mixer fitted with a clean whisk attachment, beat the egg whites on medium-high speed until foamy, about 1 minute. Gradually add the remaining 3 Tbs. granulated sugar and continue to beat until medium-firm peaks form, about 2 minutes. Scoop half of the egg whites onto the chocolate mixture and fold them in gently. Fold in the remaining whites just until no streaks remain.

Pour the batter into the prepared pan and spread it out evenly. Bake until the torte puffs slightly and a toothpick inserted into the center comes out very moist but not liquid, about 40 minutes. Do not overcook. Transfer the pan to a wire rack and let cool for 30 minutes.

To remove the pan sides, set the pan on a can and let the sides slide down. Let the torte cool completely, then cover and refrigerate until very cold, at least 4 hours or up to overnight.

Just before serving, garnish the torte with the strawberries and dust with confectioners' sugar.

Operation: Feed the Missionaries.

So. Today at around nine my mom slams me with, "We are having the missionaries for supper tonight, you should make dessert." Let's see what's on the docket for today: drink the Crewlade at 9:15, call london drugs about my computer at 9:30, meeting with my own missionaries at 10:30, rebook the Yates once they leave, physio at 2:45, and Ballet at 6:45. What time are they coming again? Five. Great.

I seriously considered copping out and making some bundt cake, but the one I wanted to do required me to go to the grocery store for bittersweet chocolate and sour cream.... and freestyle a new glaze. I don't think the missionaries would appreciate Creme de Cacao brushed over their cake. So this led me to explore my cupboards. Coarse salt, dark brown sugar, rum extract, and butter. Hmmmmmm. Bingo. Martha's Butterscotch Pecan Cake.

I discovered this beauty about a year ago when I was living on my own. I didn't have time to sleep see, so I'd sometimes get a few minutes to escape my dire situation and peruse Martha Stewart.... a little sanctuary amidst the chaos, if you will. I had wanted to make it forever, but where the heck was I going to get over 4 hours to bake this thing??.... apparently when I'm crunched for time and the missionaries are on their way. What can I say? I thrive off immense stress.

First step was baking the cakes. I heart convection baking.

Afterwards you shave off the tops of the cakes.....

....... and make butterscotch to pour inside them.

This is the butterscotch.

That's dark brown sugar cream cheese frosting, boys and girls.

Yes, this is happening.

See all that butterscotch oozing out the side??

Three, count em, THREE layers. No freaking way.

Iced! And skewered So it will set properly.

All done! Garnished with toasted pecans. Decked to the nines.

Slightly lopsided :\

This is what it looks like inside.

And here is the slice....

Brought it out.... looked at the Missionaries smugly and asked, "So, what do you think?" The response? "This is probably the best dessert I've ever had."


TEN POINTS.

I should also note the following in honor of my sister, Melissa. Oh Melissa, thy chocolate drinking ways are of legends. We often ask you, would you like some cake with your cream cheese icing? It should be stated for the record that this is the only cake she will eat without an extra cup and a half of icing and enjoy it. Wait, what am I saying? ENJOY IT?? She REVELS in it. If she could, she'd marry this cake. She could show this cake a good time. It's also her self requested birthday cake. 


Have I convinced you?? Here's the recipe!

• FOR THE CAKES
• Vegetable oil cooking spray, for pans
• 3 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
• 3/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 1/2 teaspoons coarse salt
• 10 ounces (2 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
• 2 1/2 cups packed dark-brown sugar
• 4 large eggs, room temperature
• 1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
• 1 1/2 teaspoons artificial rum extract
• 1 1/4 cups buttermilk, room temperature
• FOR THE FROSTING
• 12 ounces unsalted butter (3 sticks), 1 stick left whole, 2 sticks cut into small pieces, softened
• 2 cups packed dark-brown sugar
• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1/2 teaspoon coarse salt
• 20 ounces cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar, sifted
• FOR THE BUTTERSCOTCH SAUCE
• 2/3 cup packed dark-brown sugar
• 3 ounces (6 tablespoons) butter, cut into pieces
• 1/2 cup light corn syrup
• 1/4 teaspoon coarse salt
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 2 cups pecan halves, toasted and chopped, plus more halves for garnish

Directions

1. Make the cakes: Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Coat three 8-by-2-inch round cake pans with cooking spray, line with parchment, and coat parchment. Whisk flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in a medium bowl.
2. Beat butter and brown sugar with a mixer on medium-high speed until pale and fluffy, about 5 minutes. Beat in eggs, 1 at a time, beating well after each addition, then add vanilla and rum. Reduce speed to low. Add flour mixture in 2 additions, alternating with buttermilk. Raise speed to medium-high, and beat for 2 minutes. Divide batter among pans.
3. Bake cakes until golden brown and testers inserted in centers come out clean, about 40 minutes. Transfer pans to wire racks, and let cool slightly. Invert cakes onto racks. Let cool.
4. Make the frosting: Melt 1 stick butter in a medium saucepan over medium heat until dark golden brown, about 10 minutes. Add brown sugar, cream, and salt, stirring until sugar dissolves. Bring to a boil, whisking constantly, and cook for 3 minutes. Transfer to a mixer bowl, and let cool.
5. With machine running, add remaining butter, a few pieces at a time, and beat on low until incorporated. Raise speed to medium, and beat for 2 minutes. In another bowl, beat cream cheese and confectioners' sugar on medium-high until fluffy and smooth, about 3 minutes. Add brown-butter mixture to cream cheese, and beat until smooth. Cover, and refrigerate until chilled, at least 2 hours (or overnight, beating on low speed before using).
6. Make the butterscotch sauce: Mix sugar, butter, corn syrup, and salt in a small saucepan over medium heat, and cook, stirring, until sugar dissolves. Bring to a boil, and cook for 2 minutes. Remove from heat, and whisk in cream. Return to heat, and cook for 2 minutes. Let cool slightly.
7. To assemble the cake: Trim tops of 2 cake layers and top and bottom of third (this will be the middle) to create flat exposed surfaces. Brush 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons butterscotch sauce on cut sides. Let cool. Spread 1 cup frosting on 1 layer, then place middle layer on top, sauce side down. Spread 1 cup frosting on middle layer, then place third layer on top, sauce side down. Spread 1 cup frosting on top and sides. Refrigerate until firm, about 1 hour.
8. Using an offset spatula, spread remaining frosting on top and sides of cake. Press chopped pecans on sides, and garnish top with halves. Transfer cake to a serving plate or cake stand. Refrigerate until firm, at least 4 hours (or up to 2 days, covered).